An AuDHD Example

Let me share one example of how my combined Autism and ADHD way of being in the world manifests for me. I'm going to describe my 'special interest' and how my understanding of this concept has changed over time. My initial understanding of 'special interests' was formed from observing the autistic children I got to know in education settings, both mainstream and specialist. I gained new insight however with my ADHD diagnosis, reflecting on my own behaviours and then again with my Autism diagnosis which came as a surprise and is something I am still noticing and processing.

As always I am only talking about myself and my own experiences.  I do not speak for others but hope sharing my insight will help other people to be more open minded, curious, respectful and kind to themselves and others.

So let me try and explain how autism and ADHD can butt up against each other.  Let’s take ‘special interests’ as an example.  Someone with a predominantly autistic profile may regularly  focus on a particular topic or activity which is their passion, brings them joy , sometimes this will be  to the exclusion of everything else, it will be intentional or maybe as a regulation strategy or as a hyperfocus.  Sometimes they may ‘choose’ to engage in this, sometimes to do so may seem beyond their control.  But the joy they experience can be revisited and recreated at will.  To be prevented from engaging in this activity is likely to be difficult for them to manage.

Someone with an ADHD profile may focus on a topic or activity when they are in a state of hyperfocus which is not as predictable, for example finishing a project with a deadline looming, or suddenly getting excited about a moment of inspiration for something creative which just seems more important than anything else.  This may go on  for hours forgetting to eat and drink and seriously resenting interruptions.  There is intentionality and purpose driving the momentum to reach a particular goal but this fixation is likely to be time limited, a one off that can’t be recreated.  They may have a special interest for a while which they do revisit but it is unlikely to be an ongoing focus.  The need for novelty will kick in and the focus will change.

We know about the stereotyped ‘special interest’ often associated with autism – Thomas the Tank Engine, Minecraft, Dungeons and Dragons, Pokemon, lego,  cars,  trains.   But for someone with autism with non stereotypical presentation they may find their special interest is so socially acceptable that no one would every question it. It’s only when you consider the extremes that someone may go to for their special interest, how removing the option for them to engage with it may impact on their well being, the extent to which it may dominate their everyday life, their conversation regardless of context or setting, that it becomes visible.  I speak, of course, from experience.

For me it was my children and my work.  Both completely socially acceptable.  It’s perhaps only my closest friends who knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t leave my children for a social engagement for example.  For many years the only time I would leave my children was if it was work related – networking, training as this was my other special interest.  Although I’m glad I dedicated my time and attention to my children, I can see now that my life was not in balance and I, like many parents neglected myself and other relationships. And ultimately this narrow focus was probably to the detriment of my relationship with my children in terms of my high level of anxiety which was fuelled by such an intense focus on them and my lack of self care which corresponds with the ‘can’t fill from an empty cup’ analogy.

I was always seen as a conscientious employee, but the hours, the extensive additional training, which was never enough for me,  the hundreds of books I bought and too often didn’t read, the hours I spent doing work no one else expected of me, sometimes to the detriment of work that was expected, was like a dirty secret underpinning my external presentation of a conscientious hard working and capable façade.  For me my autism and ADHD fuelled my special interest. 

 My ADHD impulsivity,  perfectionism drove me on – more books, more knowledge, try harder, do more.  My autism meant I had a constant need to fuel these special interests, like a comfort blanket which consumed me and which I still find difficult to regulate.  And I had little interest for anything else.  I will never read all the books I have which are related to neurodivergence.  I will never need to buy another course I have enough to keep me going for at least 5 years.   If we meet it would be unlikely I wouldn’t mention my neurodivergence or my interest about neurodivergence or an observation about neurodivergence.  If I go on holiday I will be taking work with me, even if I don’t engage with it, I need to have it with me.  

For a long time there has been no separation between me and my work. I’m increasingly managing pockets of ‘switch off’ time and I’m learning to share how I feel when I feel out of control and when I find it hard not to prioritise my work.  I’m learning to ask for help from people I trust and I know will understand.  And I’m conscious of how I can judge myself for all of the above and I’m more aware now of that voice, able to quieten it, rationalise it.  And when my special interest seems to conflict with life I know I can ask for help with others to appreciate a bigger context which I can’t always see in the moment, also part of my autism profile and their perspective  helps me to see my circumstances differently and ultimately feel differently.  And for me that’s the joy of understanding myself now.  I can see patterns.  Which doesn’t always mean I can wave a magic wand and make them disappear, but I can ask for help with issues I would never have dreamed of asking for help with before.  Not because it was a weakness or embarrassing but because I didn’t know I needed to.  I didn’t see or understand my struggles.  Now I can see them and I know who to ask.